


Didn't Want To Be Your Ghost

by chameleoning



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys Spending Too Much Time In Their Heads, M/M, Panic Attacks, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 20:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1239226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chameleoning/pseuds/chameleoning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's fed up and Louis is so, so scared.</p><p>Or, the one where Harry wants to make their relationship public, and Louis does not. Louis pushes Harry away, with disastrous results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Didn't Want To Be Your Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm a bit new to this fandom and therefore couldn't be bothered to make sure I had the timing of all these events right, etc. I could be wildly off base, but this is fiction and this is the product of my imagination. So, if that bothers you, sorry. Don't say I didn't warn you.
> 
> Obviously this is not in any way real life. 
> 
> Title from Anyone's Ghost by The National.

The madness started with a kiss.

Or, not even a kiss. A simple peck to the cheek of his boyfriend. 

But before the kiss, before the mess , before the heartbreak, there had been an interview. 

They were about to mark their second anniversary as a band, and so had agreed to do a special interview with the BBC. Everyone was a bit on edge about the whole affair. Liam, Niall and Zayn because it was One Direction's biggest interview to date; Harry and Louis because the rumors of their relationship had been spreading like wildfire over the past few months. It seemed that everyone in the world was watching Harry and Louis, and the threat of serious consequences for the band if their relationship were discovered loomed over their heads. Harry and Louis had been called into a meeting in a makeshift, but no less imposing, office that management had set up in the BBC studio and were given a thorough talking-to an hour before the interview was due to begin. 

They're led in to the office of the head of their PR team, Mark. He's sitting behind his desk with stacks of gossip magazines piled up on it. 

"Okay, boys, you know the drill by now. Just treat each other like you'd treat any of the other members in the band and we'll be fine. You've been doing great lately, keep it up and we'll have the situation under control ver soon. " 

Harry feels the annoyance at being forced to lie about their relationship time and time again bubble up inside him and spits, "Well, can I at least talk to him?"

They stared straight back at him and said, "We'd actually rather you didn't."

Harry's prepared to fight them on it, to make a scene to let them know that they can't just walk all over them like that, that their relationship means something, but he looks over at Louis and his head is bowed in quiet submission. Harry swallows his words. Today, he's just not wiling to fight alone. 

\-----

Harry'd known that he and Louis had never been on exactly the same page about coming out, but they'd been able to put it past them until now. Harry had wanted to come out since the beginning. The stress of hiding and the constant fear that someone had found them out was eating away at his soul, and he was willing to brave the media fallout to be able to live freely.

Louis was terrified. Harry can still remember the first night they'ed ever talked about it. They'd only been together for a couple of months, but they were head-over-heels and practically inseparable. They had been sat on the couch in their flat, watching the Great British Bake-Off, Louis snuggled close into Harry's side. 

"Can you think of anything you need me to pick up at Tesco's? I was going to go in the morning," Louis asked during a slow point in the show.

"I think we should come out," Harry said, blindsiding both Louis and himself.

Harry had been shocked at Louis' reaction. He had looked so scared at the idea of coming out, Harry had swept it under the rug and promised Louis he wouldn't bring it up again, not until he was sure they were ready. 

That was almost a year ago, and Harry doesn't think Louis will ever be ready.

\------

Harry's startled out of this thoughts by Mark saying, "It's time for you to go get ready, boys. Don't disappoint us." 

Louis stands silently and leaves the room. Harry makes sure to scrape his chair back and bang the door on his way out. 

Harry follows Louis out of the meeting room, hoping for a short pre-interview cuddle to reassure him, but Louis' suddenly disappeared. It seems to Harry that these days, Louis is gone more often than not. Harry half-heartedly looks for him, but if Louis doesn't want to be found, he isn't going to force him. It's not like they're boyfriends or anything, he thinks bitterly. 

This new, cold Louis that's appeared over the last few months is causing Harry to feel slightly unsteady at all times. He feels like his entire world has shifted slightly, not enough to be earth-shattering, but enough that nothing seems quite right. Harry's been searching for the place where he's misstepped, the breaking point that's caused Louis to draw back so far, but he has no idea what he's done. He feels completely lost. 

He wanders over to catering, where he finds Niall taking alternating bites from two different sandwiches. Harry sits down heavily next to him and offers up what he hopes is a convincing smile. Niall responds by throwing him a sympathetic glance and shifting both sandwiches to one hand so he can settle his arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry reckons he needs to practice his fake smile in the mirror some more, but he leans in to the reassurance. 

\-----

Harry doesn't see Louis until seconds before the interview starts. He and the others, minus Louis, take their seats on the too-hot set, under the too-bright lights, and Harry can't shake the pit of anxiety and insecurity that's lodged itself in his stomach. He knows Louis isn't ready for their relationship to be public, and hates anyone but the boys even knowing about it, but lately he's been so distant Harry's worried Louis' changed his mind about them. Harry sits under the lights, pretending to listen to the banter of the other boys, and feels like he's about to crack. Finally, after he and the rest of the boys have been miced and posed, Louis strolls onto the set. He sits in the place left for him and brushes off Harry's concerned stare with a wave of his hand and barely a second glance. Harry feels colder than before, which he thought was impossible. Adrenaline is zinging through his veins, and every shift of movement he can see out of the corner of his eye makes him want to turn around and check on Louis. If Louis even cares. 

He manages to smile and say hello with the rest of the boys, but after Liam fields the first question Harry figures he can sit back unless a question is directed specifically at him. Everything becomes white noise, and Harry can feel the unease coming back in full force. He knows it's probably not healthy to be so dependent on Louis, so dependent that a harsh word or brush-off can ruin his whole day. Which has been happening more and more often. With the noise of the interview sweeping over him, all Harry can focus on is Louis' proximity.

He's not left in peace for long, though. 

"Harry," the nondescript interviewer begins, "you're being awfully quiet. Today marks three years since you and the boys were put together as a band. Do you think that fame has changed any of you? How are you all dealing with this kind of celebrity? Is it difficult?"

Harry takes a moment to consider his answer. He always tries to be honest in interviews, but with this question he knows he has to choose his words carefully. It doesn't help that he can just see Mark out of the corner of his eye, watching him. 

"Um, it is a bit difficult at times, but I think that comes from our lives being changed so suddenly. When we started out, we never imagined something like this would happen to us. We were really unprepared for this kind of attention. It's amazing, and we are so grateful and having the time of our lives, but it is a bit hard."

He takes a deep breath before he continues. 

"I can't speak for the rest of the lads, but for me, the thing that's most upsetting is that now that I'm famous, I'm suddenly this thing. It can sometimes feel like you're a commodity, and that no one in the industry or the fans see you as a real person. IT's hard not to feel trapped. But obviously, you take a step back and get a little perspective, and realize that we have been given such an incredible opportunity, and it gets a whole lot easier to deal with. Especially with the kind of fans we have. Their support makes everything so much easier."

Harry knows it's risky to say something that could so easily be construed as negative if taken out of context, but right now he can't bring himself to care. He feels so much better for having gotten it off his chest. Even though he still has no idea how this thing between he and Louis will resolve itself, he can breathe a little easier. 

The interviewer's moved on, asking Liam how they're feeling about the way the tour is going. Liam's saying the same thing they always say, and Harry's restless feeling comes back. He fidgets and squirms in his seat until he feels someone press a hand against his back and rub a bit, out of the view of the cameras. Louis. 

Harry tries as hard as he can to hold back his smile, twisting his lips and biting on the inside of his cheek. Louis is touching him, calming him, so they must be okay. They are okay. 

The interview ends quickly after that, and Louis' hand jumps away from his back like he's been burned as soon as the interviewer says "Thanks so much, boys,". 

They all disentangle themselves from the microphone wires, shake hands with the interviewer and head off set. They pile into their dressing room to wait for the van to come around to the back to pick them up. Louis moves to stand next to Harry. He stands close, almost touching. Harry shoots Louis a smile, which he returns after a moment. It's hesitant, but it's better than what he's been getting these past few days, so Harry counts it as a win. 

The other lads break them out of their moment by yelling something about pizza and FIFA back at the hotel. Niall and Zayn are arguing about whose room in the suite is best, Liam is mediating very seriously, and Harry is so relieved because this feels more normal than it has in weeks. 

And then Harry, in a move that he's done a thousand times before, wraps his arm around Louis' waist and leans in to press a kiss to his cheek. Only this time, Louis jerks away so violently he loses his balance and stumbles a little. He whips around to face Harry, both of them panting suddenly, and Harry is struck by how wild Louis' eyes look. Like a caged animal. Before anyone can say anything, Louis is gone, bolted outside to wait for the van. Harry can feel the stares of the other boys burning his skin like the sun's rays. He takes a deep breath, wills the tears out of his eyes, and looks at the lads straight on.

"Well," he says, "I for one am not eating any pizza unless pineapple is involved."

Niall mercifully takes the bait, screeching about how fruit on pizza is a sin against mankind, what the hell were those bloody Hawaiians thinking, and Harry less himself be pulled in to the banter, even if the smile doesn't reach his eyes. 

The van ride back to the hotel is awkward at best. 

\---------

 

Louis sits shotgun and doesn't make any conversation with the rest of the boys. Liam tries to pull him in once or twice, but Louis' monosyllabic responses make him stop trying.

They all pile out of the van when they get to the hotel and grab their key cards from Paul. The entire top floor, divided into four bedrooms, is theirs for the night. Although it's not yet even dinnertime, all the boys are looking forward to holing up in the suite with room service and not emerging until their photoshoot the following day.

Once upstairs, they boys all wander off to their respective rooms. If there's one thing they've learned so far, it's that it goes much better if the five of them have a bit of time to themselves after a long day. 

Of course, tonight Harry and Louis are sharing a bedroom, so Harry rummages around in his bag for his journal and his iPod and makes to go out into the living area to write. 

"You could stay, if you want," a small voice tells Harry from the bed.

"Doesn't much seem like you want me to, mate. Unless now that it's just us and the boys you can stand to touch me," Harry replies. 

Before Louis can even comprehend how it started, they're screaming. 

"I don't know why you can't just man the fuck up and say something! It's not that fucking difficult, everyone loves us already and we're not even out! You've been pushing me away for months, Lou, and I thought maybe you were going through something, that you'd talk about it when you were ready, but you can't keep treating me like absolute shit and not expect me to do something." Harry's chest is heaving, and his eyes flash with anger. Louis' seen this look on Harry a few times; when one of the boys gets a bit roughed up by management or the studio execs, when one of their team is rude to a fan, but this is the first time those cold eyes have been directed at him. 

Suddenly, Louis can hear the words Harry's shouting at him through the ringing in his ears, and he feels just as livid as Harry looks. 

"Do you even have any idea how hard this is for me? I have been hiding this part of me since I was thirteen. I used to wake up from nightmares that the kids at my school had found out! And you want to tell the entire fucking world! Think of what it could do to the band. It's one thing of this to ruin our lives, but the other lads? What are they gonna do when the negative press gets so bad no one will buy our records? Did you think about that, or are you too selfish to even consider the consequences? You're making it pretty fucking hard for me to want to tell everyone that I love you because it's pretty fucking hard for me to love you at all when you're being so pushy and I-"

Louis is stopped short because Harry literally recoils and steps back a few feet. Harry's breathing becomes even more labored, his face heating and eyes filling, and the tension is so thick and his own rasping breaths are the only thing Harry can hear and Louis is just staring at him, and no one is helping him, and his head is swimming, and Louis doesn't love him. 

Before this moment, the only thing that mattered to Harry was Louis' love. He knew everything would be okay, if not perfect, because he and Louis loved each other so deeply they could never give each other up. He clung to that knowledge like a life vest whenever Louis pushed him away because of a camera, or looked around for other people before agreeing to kiss him like they were doing something illegal.

Now, in this moment, the only thing that matters is that Louis doesn't love him. The one thing he never thought could be possible. The worst-case scenario is here. Harry's pushed him too hard. 

His thoughts are swirling so fast in his head, and he knows only seconds have passed, but it feels like a lifetime, and Louis is still starting at him but his expression has changed. He looks scared. 

Actually, now that Harry is thinking about it, he feels scared, too. Not just because he has to contend with the possibility that he may soon be living without Louis. He's scared because, apparently, while he was processing his body ran away from him. His heart is pounding so hard and so fast that his body is rocking with the motion, his hands are shaking, he can't catch a full breath, his vision is getting fuzzy at the edges. 

Louis is saying something, over and over, but Harry can't make it out, can only stare at him dumbly. He hears a loud bang, and looks toward the door to see Zayn coming in. 

"Jesus, lads, what the fuck is going on in-oh babes". Zayn started to question Louis, but one look at Harry tells him all he needs to know. Zayn covers the room in three long strides, stopping to pick up the little rubbish bin in the corner. Louis starts to ask why, but Zayn is already next to Harry, murmuring sweet things to him. 

"Zee," Harry pants. "I think I'm-dying. Can't-breathe- something's - wrong."

Harry looks so helpless, so absolutely lost that Zayn"s heart twists. 

"Yeah, babe, you're having a panic attack. You have to get your breathing under control. It's okay, love, you'll be all right, but you have to try to calm down for me. Can I touch you?"

Harry looks hesitant, unsure of what the touch will do, but he nods in the end.

"S'all right, I'm just gonna put my hand on your belly, yeah? Try to move my hand when you breathe, Hazza." Zayn rests his hand lightly over Harry's diaphragm, 

"Breathe just like we do in vocal warm-ups, c'mon,". 

It takes a few long moments for Harry to even try. Eventually, he tries but he just can't get his breaths under control. He tries to breathe in deeply, but before he can get a full breath he blows it back out with little hiccuping noises. 

"Can't - Zayn- can't," Harry looks at Zayn with fearful eyes. He looks even more panicked now that he he's tried and failed to control his breath.

"S'okay, Haz, I'm gonna stand behind you, yeah?" Zayn moves to stand behind Harry, close enough that Harry can feel the movements of Zayn's stomach when he inhales on his back. Zayn loops an arm around Harry's waist and places his hand carefully back over his diaphragm. 

"This all right?" Zayn asks. He doesn't want to overwhelm Harry with his presence, but he's worried Harry's going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

At Harry's nod, Zayn says "All right. Match my breaths, yeah? Try to breathe with me." Zayn starts breathing low in his belly, just for two counts at first.

In for two, out for two. In for two, out for two.

After a few repetitions, Harry can breathe in and out for two counts. Zayn slowly eases him into holding it for four, and then six. 

Harry and Zayn are breathing slow, rhythmic breaths and Louis thinks it's all over, but then Harry retches. Zayn, lightning fast, has the rubbish bin up to Harry's mouth as he heaves into it. Louis spares a thought to wonder how Zayn knew Harry was going to want to vomit, how he knew to count Harry's breaths, but then Harry starts to cry and gag at the same time and Louis' mind is once again consumed with wordless worry. 

"Everything's okay, babe, you're going to be just fine, you're doing so well," Zayn murmurs into Harry's ear, soft enough that Louis almost can't hear it. 

By the time Harry's done being sick, only ten minutes have passed since the start of their argument, but it feels like a lifetime for Louis. He's never felt more guilty. He knew the moment he said that he didn't love Harry that he was wrong, because he does love Harry, he loves Harry so much it's absolutely terrifying. 

And now he's gone and fucked everything up, and Harry thinks he doesn't love him. 

Harry looks up from the bin, his face red, tears and snot everywhere, and whimpers when he catches Louis' eye. 

Zayn doesn't know what's happened, but he knows it involves Louis so he's reluctant to leave Harry alone with him right now. 

"Haz?" Zayn enquires softly. "Haz, do you wanna maybe go get cleaned up and we can have a cuddle, maybe a little chat?"

Harry nods, so Zayn loops his arm around Harry's waist and leads him through into his bedroom. 

Louis is still standing frozen to his place. 

Which is how Liam finds him a couple minutes later. 

"Hey mate, have you seen Zayn? He was just here and now I can't find him." 

Louis' taken by surprise. He had forgotten for a moment that anyone else besides he, Harry and Zayn existed. It takes him a moment to turn around and face Liam. When he manages, and tries to pull his face into something approaching normal, Liam isn't fooled one bit. He actually looks a bit alarmed. 

"Lou, what's happened?" Liam asks softly, pulling Louis into a light embrace and stroking a hand down his back. Louis' never been more grateful for the band's closeness, because he really needs this right now. He needs someone to be unconditionally sweet to him and concerned about him, regardless of the fact that he's been dicking one of their best mates about for weeks.

Louis just shrugs. He hadn't realized he was trembling, but he can feel it now that Liam's steadying hands are running up and down his arms. 

Liam silently leads him into the next room and sits down on the couch, pulling Louis into his lap. Louis ends up sideways across Liam, face tucked into his neck. 

Louis tries to get his racing thoughts under control, but his mind gets stuck on Harry's words. Has he been treating Harry like shit?

Louis didn't realize it before, but that is definitely what he's been doing. 

He remembers one night, long enough ago to tell him that he's been forcing Harry away for quite some time.

He'd been "asked" to go out with Eleanor all that day, shopping and a meal. He hadn't wanted to do it at all, had bitched loudly that morning in Harry's arms before finally getting out of bed. He'd gotten home late that night, tired and cranky, to Harry dishing up two giant plates of tacos for them. 

"Hey, love," Harry had greeted him. "How'd it go?"

Louis just grunts. 

"Babe," Harry says sympathetically. "I made your favorite. Thought you'd be tired and might want something."

"Ate already. Thought I told ya I'd be eating with Eleanor," Louis says shortly. 

Harry's face visibly falls. "Oh." He says. "Sorry. I guess I, uh, didn't remember. S'okay. They'll keep. I can save the meat at least. Maybe make us a soup for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, whatever you want, Haz. I'm gonna go watch some telly."

Louis went into the living room, and Harry heard the set click on. He took a deep breath before he gathers up the plates and stands in the kitchen, scraping meat from inside taco shells into a Tupperware container and listens to Louis' laughter coming form the other room. 

Louis, still cuddled into Liam on the couch, feels tears start to leak out of his eyes. 

 

A different day, but similar, because their lives somehow became this game of careful smiles and eggshells and deep breaths before speaking, gathering courage. Louis has been sent out with Eleanor increasingly often, and he and Harry have become more like roommates than lovers. Louis feels the gap, of course he does, but he's so tired, and Harry's pushing him in one direction and everyone else in the world is pulling him in another. Louis just wants to hide inside himself until all this is over. 

He comes back late at night, bags under his eyes, ears ringing from all the screaming when the paps had found he and Eleanor. Harry's curled up on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket.

"Haz? Why're you sitting in the dark?" Louis asks.

Harry blinks up at Louis slowly; he was almost asleep. 

"Hey, Lou. Waitin' for you. Went out today and got us some movies. 'S been a while since we had movie night, I was missing it." Harry's voice is deep and slow. 

"That's-that was really nice Haz. I'm beat, though, probably gonna take a shower and go to bed."

Louis sees Harry's brows furrow, but ignores it. A couple months before, if Harry wanted movie night and Louis was tired, they would cuddle on the couch until Louis was asleep and Harry was the only one still watching. If it was a good movie, Harry would wake Louis for the end with gentle kisses and long strokes of his hand down Louis' back. 

Now though, Harry just nods and Louis climbs the creaky stairs. 

A couple hours later, when Louis creeps downstairs for a sneaky cup of tea, he finds Harry sleeping on the couch, TV off, room dark, remote untouched. Louis adjusts Harry's blanket so he'll be warm enough through the night and wonders when Harry became a stranger. 

Louis presses his lips together, his head spinning with how much he should have done, how much he should have said. He hadn't realized, but eventually there came a point where it had been so long since he and Harry had had a real conversation, neither of them remembered how to. ANd now they're trapped in the graceless dance around each other, too scared to say anything real. 

He lets out a soft whimper and buries his face in Liam's neck.

"Louis, you know you'll have to tell me what's just happened at some point," Liam prods gently, running a hand through the hair on the back of Louis' head. 

"Me and Harry fought."

Liam makes a sympathetic noise in the back of his throat and holds Louis closer.

"I, uh, might have implied that I don't love him," Louis continues in a small voice. His throat feels like it will close up from how big the lump in it is.

"I obviously didn't mean it," he continues quickly. "I love Harry more than anything. He knows that, right, Li? You know that?"

Liam sighs. "Yeah, Lou. We all know it. I think-" Liam pauses, and Louis braces himself for what he's about to say, because he knows it cannot be good.

"I think it'd just be nice to see it sometimes."

And with that, Louis' gone, sobbing into Liam's shoulder. Liam's alarmed.

"Louis, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry, shhh Lou, everything's all right."

Louis appreciates the sentiment, but right now Liam's wrong, everything's not all right, and won't be until he can talk to Harry. 

For now, though, all he can do is sob his heart out while pressing himself as close to Liam as possible and hope he hasn't fucked up too badly. 

\-----

A while later, after he'd cried himself into an exhausted nap on top of Liam and washed his face, he creeps back to Zayn's room and pokes his head in the door. Zayn's laying on his back on the bed and Harry is literally lying completely on top of him, face down on the pillows. Louis has no idea how he can breathe. 

Zayn pauses from running his hands up and down a sleeping Harry's back for long enough to frown a bit at Louis and shoo him away. Louis' face must reflect how his stomach roils at the dismissal because Zayn's expression softens and he mouths "Later," at Louis. 

Louis nods, and Zayn mouths, "Love you," at him and he turns to go. 

\-------

When Harry finds Louis a bit later, he's out on the balcony pretending to reply to emails but actually just staring at his computer screen.

Harry sits down heavily in the deck chair as far away from Louis as possible, which happens to be directly across from him. Their eyes meet for long moments. Louis clears his throat but can't quite bring himself to say anything. 

The silence goes on for much, much longer than is comfortable. 

 

"Okay, well, why don't I start?" Harry asks acerbically, and Louis' heart clenches because he can't believe he's made Harry speak to him this way.

"You have to say something, Lou. Because it's so hard. It's too hard if you don't want it as much as I do. I can't keep doing this if I feel like you're not in it too. So if I'm not good enough, or being with me is too much trouble, you have got to say something. Just end it. You're not being fair to me, Lou, I'm fighting all in my own here. I want you more than anything, I would give everything up if it meant we could be happy together. I'm not asking you to feel the same, but I can't do it if you don't try with me. I just-" Harry drops his head into his hands, trying to fight off the tears that are making his eyes sting. "I don't know what to do," he says, helplessly, his voice wavering.

"Hazza," Louis says thickly.

Harry inhales deeply, and then raises his head, knowing what's coming.

"S'okay Lou. I kind of knew it was going to come. Just wish you'd said before. Spared us all this." He gives a weak, self-deprecating chuckle.

"Babe," Louis tries again.

Harry visibly winces. "Louis," he practically whispers, "please don't- don't call me that. Not if you don't mean it."

"Harry. If you would let me actually say something, you'd know that I do mean it."

Harry tilts his head, confused, which Louis finds both adorable and heartbreaking. Had Harry really convinced himself so thoroughly that Louis didn't want him anymore?

Apparently, he has. "You don't have to say anything to make me feel better. Really, I understand."

Louis wants nothing more than to scoop Harry up into his arms, but he's not sure if he would be welcomed, given that he's been behaving like such an enormous twat.

"Fuck it," he thinks and comes around the table to sit on the floor beside Harry's chair. Harry automatically scoots back from the table and turns so Louis can be more comfortable. Louis takes one of Harry's hands in his and rests his chin on top of Harry's knee, looking up into his eyes.

Harry's crying again, all big eyes and hitching breaths and little hiccups and that makes Louis want to die. He knew Harry was hurting, had probably even known deep down that he was the one hurting Harry, but he had refused to acknowledge it.

"Haz, I love you, okay? So much it hurts. And I want to be with you. I'm just...struggling with the whole idea of making this public. My situation's been a bit different to you lads'. Sometimes I feel like I'm this problem that they have to 'fix'. But that's down to me and I hate myself for making you doubt that I love you even for a second."

By the end, his throat feels clogged again so he buries his face in Harry's trousers and just breathes for a minute. Harry's hand settles hesitantly on his head and strokes back his fringe. They sit quietly for a moment, and for a second Harry can picture them before this mess of misunderstandings and distance. Louis kisses Harry's knee twice, three times before raising his head to look at Harry.

"Haz," Louis starts. "Guess I'd better tell you what I've been thinking, huh?"

Harry nods. 

"I just-" Louis breaks off, gives a weak laugh. He reminds himself that this is Harry, his best friend. He's seen Harry drunk off his arse, swaying slightly to the Bon Iver record they'd put on. He's seen Harry crying because he'd been missing home. He's seen Harry confident and suave, and small and unsure. He does not need to be scared of Harry. In theory. 

"Sometimes it's hard, what people say about me. That I'm the 'token twink'. And like, it's true, or whatever, I'm gay and it's not like people back home didn't notice but this is different. It's like, sometimes we'll be in an interview and they treat me differently. People from all over the world think that something about me is fundamentally bad. And I'm not even out! I literally cannot imagine what it would be like if I were. If we were. It'd be shit. It's already shit."

He looks up from the weave of Harry's trousers that he's pretty sure he's memorized by now to look Harry in the eyes. Who's to say if both pairs are a bit damp.

"I don't want that for you, Haz. You deserve better."

"Lou," Harry whispers, "Have you been taking more shit than the rest of us and not saying? Because if you have, and they're making you feel any kind of shame I will kill them and that's even before Liam gets to them."

Louis gives a chuckle that may very well be a sob and tries not to dwell on how fucking soothing the way Harry's rubbing his back is. 

"'S not really as bad as all that, love. I've just got to be a bit more careful, s'all. But that's why I don't want this to get out. It's too much. Too much for me, already and I don't want you to be dragged through this as well. I'm worried-" Louis stops and draws in a ragged breath. Harry's silent, giving him a moment. 

"I'm worried that we'll do it and everything will blow up in our faces and you'll decide I'm not worth it. That we're not worth it. And I really, really don't think I could take that. Like, it's one thing if I fuck it up because I'm a dick, but it's a completely different thing if we get fucked up because of this fame thing. Something we can't even control. It'd be so much harder to know that we could have made it work but it didn't because we came out."

Louis feels tears pricking at his eyes and Harry's crying above him again. Or maybe he never really stopped. 

"I'm so, so sorry, Hazza. I'm just-I'm not ready-and I know that's not fair to you-" Louis says between hitching breaths. 

Suddenly, Harry hooks his hands under Louis' arms and hauls him up into his lap. 

"Babe, baby, no. I just didn't know why, Lou. You never talked to me about it and then you were going out with Eleanor all the time and I felt like you were avoiding me. I just-got scared and then pushed you too hard. I'm sorry too Lou."

They sit in silence, enjoying being with each other with no tension for the first time in months.

Eventually, though, they have to face the music.

Louis lifts his head from Harry's chest, studiously ignoring the wet patch on his shirt and says, "So, what now, Haz?"

"We try," Harry answers simply. "We just keep trying".


End file.
